This post is how, through my life experiences, I was able to get to a point to where I discovered how to accept everyone and their views, even if I completely disagree with them. This is not an easy task. It is quite difficult. I fail at this from time to time because I become so passionate in my views. For the most part, I have been able to let go of hard feelings I feel for my political opponents. I have realized that my political opponents want the same thing as I do. We all want a prosperous America where people are free to pursue life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I want to show you that allowing the hate to melt away is the best possible place to be, in my humble opinion. It's an amazing feeling when you can let the hate inside you go.
There are two explanations to how I got here. The first way I got to this level of understanding is through my sexual orientation. I do not concentrate on my sexuality. I am a gay man. Me being gay does not change my heart nor my mind. I'm Feller and I would be the same Feller if I were straight. I just happen to be attracted to other guys and my heart and brain is wired to fall in love with people of the same sex (As a side, but important note, I have been able to find the best possible man to be with). However, through the discovery of my sexual orientation, I have been able to find the place in my mind and heart where I have been able to let go of the hatred towards my opponents.
I discovered that I had these same-sex attractions when I was in 7th grade. Right when I started puberty that is when my homosexuality surfaced. I just naturally started to check out other guys. I was attracted to guys and not girls. I had those feelings for several years through junior high and high school. In my mind I never made the connection that I was gay (how naive of me, I know). I wasn't gay, I was just checking out the other guys and dreaming about being with them, but I was still straight. God, I was an idiot.
Early in high school, I started to realize that I was gay. I began to feel guilty. This is where my struggle started. I remember many times crying myself to sleep and praying to God. I would ask him why he had made me this way. In my mind, I was thinking that God must be cruel because why would he give me this "affliction?” So when I hear people say the being gay is a choice, I just laugh, because they have never walked a day in my shoes. They do not know how much I struggled with my own sexuality. Let’s be honest. Historically, society and religion have implanted the idea in our minds’ that people will be damned to hell if they are coupled with someone of the same-sex. Those views are changing. Last year, the polling organization Gallup, released a poll on the moral attitudes of Americans. Gallup found that 59% of Americans believe that “gay or lesbian relations” are morally acceptable. That is up from 40% in 2001. It’s quite the remarkable shift in attitudes.
Even though the attitudes are shifting, you will still find a sizable minority proclaiming that homosexuality is a sin and our marriage laws need to reflect the will of God. I would just like to ask the other side that: Do you know what that does to most people who struggle with their sexuality? It is a devastating feeling hearing people tell other people that they are going to hell. Night after night, I (along with many other gay people) would kick myself and put myself down because I realized I was gay. I'd try and force myself to start thinking about girls. I was thinking of ways on how to change who I was inside. I remember looking at things like conversion therapy (shock therapy). One time, my mom found some pictures I was hiding in my room and she talked to my grandma. My grandma ended up talking to me about my homosexual tendencies. She mentioned that I should try and talk to someone within the Mormon Church. This is because my family background includes the Mormon religion. She mentioned that I should speak to my LDS seminary teacher because they might be able to cure this affliction inside me. One of the reasons, my grandma told me, is that my mom felt like she had done something wrong in raising me (which she didn't). That made me feel like the biggest piece of crap. I felt weak, I felt like a deviant, I felt like I was damned for eternity. (I am happy to say that my mom and grandma do accept me and that their attitudes have changed. I can be who I am around them without any problems or harsh feelings).
I also remember at this time, the important people in my life were trying to get me to talk about my sexuality. I remember my friend Bonnie trying to coax my sexuality out of me at one time. Telling me that she knew who I was and that I needed to accept it and talk about it. I wish I would have done that because that would have helped me so much. I was being stubborn and I was still scared as hell, even though everyone saw the signs suggesting that I was gay.
The next step in the discovery of my sexual orientation was when I moved in with friends, or as I consider them as: my brothers. I thought that being around a bunch of straight guys would influence me enough to become straight (again, how naive of this confused 19-year-old). As reasonable as this logic sounds, I did not become straight. This is when I began to become comfortable with my sexuality. I was finally coming to terms with it, even though I was not comfortable enough to come out of the closet yet. At one time, my friend Travis, in his many attempts to try and get me to be more open and confident, tried to get me to come out of the closet. I remember him saying, "Come on, Feller, you're gay." I paused for a few moments and then meekly replied, "No, I'm not gay." His response: "Yeah, whatever, Feller.” Looking back at our many conversations, I wish I would have said yes, but I didn't. However, situations like made me realize that everyone knew I was gay. It was time to come out, but I was still scared. I told myself that these were my friends and they love me for who I am. I knew they and that they would not judge me, but I still couldn't do it. I could not come out because fear took over my logical thought process. Not coming out of the closet was beginning to eat at me and it was starting to hurt me in other areas because I was being guarded with what I would say and do. And I certainly was not opening up. It was beginning to kill me inside. I was feeling worse and I was feeling more like a weak person. I hated myself. I would rationalize, and tell myself, that they already know who I am so why should I bother coming out? In hind-sight, how stupid, yes they know who you are but it would have been weird just showing up one day with another guy by my side and making things a little uncomfortable by not officially coming out.
Eventually, enough was enough, and I finally made the decision to come out, slowly. I dragged out the process quite a bit. I came out to my two friends Matt and Ron. It was hard, but I did it. But nothing changed; we still had the same friendship as we always did. Nothing changed because they always knew I was gay. If anything, I grew as a person, because I was able to be fully honest about myself. It was amazing because I felt so free. Even though I had a positive experience with coming out to Ron and Matt, these were the only friends that I came out to for four years.
My friends and I went our separate ways in 2003. My life continued. A few people knew I that was gay, but I was still being stubborn about coming out. Again, I knew that my friends and family knew and I would be accepted, but I was still scared. I lived this way for four years. In the summer of 2007, with the help of my cousin, I was finally content with myself. I fully admitted to myself that people knew I was gay and they didn't care and they loved me, no matter who I was. The next person I came out to was another cousin, his reaction: he laughed and said "Yeah, it's obvious and I knew." At that moment, I knew this would be easy and it felt great. I felt free. This began the quick transition out of the closet. I next came out to my good friend Sheri and she told me that it was awesome that I was gay. She loved the fact that I was different. She was happy for me and she just wanted me to enjoy my life. I then came out to my brother-in-law Jay. Again, he knew. He told me that he knew I was one horny guy but when they would check out other women in my presence, I wouldn't say anything and seemed uninterested. That seems like an obvious sign. A sign, out of many, that people saw and accepted. Then one by one, I came out to my family. I also began to come out to my friends. I mostly came out to them through e-mail. It was still hard for me, that is why I did it through e-mail. I wish I would not have done it that way. I wish I would have come out to them in a face-to-face setting. But we all have to come out in the ways we are comfortable. One by one, their reactions were all the same; "Yeah I know. Duh! Let's move on." That long journey of discovery and coming out was finally over. I was 26-years-old when I came out. I struggled with it for years out of fear, only to find that my fears were all for not. I regret not coming out earlier, but it is a big and scary proposition. Coming out was not as painful and as hard as I had feared. This is also why I never judge or try to hurry up someone with their coming out. It is a personal struggle where no one can tell them when they are ready. It upsets me when someone outs another person without their consent. I get extremely upset when the media does the same thing. That person has to make that decision. They should only do it when they are ready. As you can see, that took me quite some time to do.
Next week: I will discuss how my life experience as a gay man has helped me to accept everyone and their views, even if I completely disagree with them.
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