My So-Called Gay Life: Part 1

I thought we could get to know each other a little bit better this week.  I want my readers to know who I am and where I am coming from as I analyze politics, policy, and current events.  This will be the first part in a two part series of how I have grown into the person that I am now.

This post is how, through my life experiences, I was able to get to a point to where I discovered how to accept everyone and their views, even if I completely disagree with them.  This is not an easy task.  It is quite difficult.  I fail at this from time to time because I become so passionate in my views.  For the most part, I have been able to let go of hard feelings I feel for my political opponents.  I have realized that my political opponents want the same thing as I do.  We all want a prosperous America where people are free to pursue life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  I want to show you that allowing the hate to melt away is the best possible place to be, in my humble opinion.  It's an amazing feeling when you can let the hate inside you go.

There are two explanations to how I got here. The first way I got to this level of understanding is through my sexual orientation.  I do not concentrate on my sexuality.  I am a gay man.  Me being gay does not change my heart nor my mind. I'm Feller and I would be the same Feller if I were straight. I just happen to be attracted to other guys and my heart and brain is wired to fall in love with people of the same sex (As a side, but important note, I have been able to find the best possible man to be with). However, through the discovery of my sexual orientation, I have been able to find the place in my mind and heart where I have been able to let go of the hatred towards my opponents.

I discovered that I had these same-sex attractions when I was in 7th grade. Right when I started puberty that is when my homosexuality surfaced. I just naturally started to check out other guys.  I was attracted to guys and not girls.  I had those feelings for several years through junior high and high school. In my mind I never made the connection that I was gay (how naive of me, I know). I wasn't gay, I was just checking out the other guys and dreaming about being with them, but I was still straight. God, I was an idiot.

Early in high school, I started to realize that I was gay.  I began to feel guilty. This is where my struggle started. I remember many times crying myself to sleep and praying to God.  I would ask him why he had made me this way.  In my mind, I was thinking that God must be cruel because why would he give me this "affliction?”  So when I hear people say the being gay is a choice, I just laugh, because they have never walked a day in my shoes.  They do not know how much I struggled with my own sexuality.  Let’s be honest.  Historically, society and religion have implanted the idea in our minds’ that people will be damned to hell if they are coupled with someone of the same-sex.  Those views are changing.  Last year, the polling organization Gallup, released a poll on the moral attitudes of Americans.  Gallup found that 59% of Americans believe that “gay or lesbian relations” are morally acceptable.  That is up from 40% in 2001.  It’s quite the remarkable shift in attitudes.

Even though the attitudes are shifting, you will still find a sizable minority proclaiming that homosexuality is a sin and our marriage laws need to reflect the will of God.  I would just like to ask the other side that: Do you know what that does to most people who struggle with their sexuality?  It is a devastating feeling hearing people tell other people that they are going to hell.  Night after night, I (along with many other gay people) would kick myself and put myself down because I realized I was gay. I'd try and force myself to start thinking about girls.  I was thinking of ways on how to change who I was inside.  I remember looking at things like conversion therapy (shock therapy). One time, my mom found some pictures I was hiding in my room and she talked to my grandma.  My grandma ended up talking to me about my homosexual tendencies. She mentioned that I should try and talk to someone within the Mormon Church.  This is because my family background includes the Mormon religion.  She mentioned that I should speak to my LDS seminary teacher because they might be able to cure this affliction inside me. One of the reasons, my grandma told me, is that my mom felt like she had done something wrong in raising me (which she didn't). That made me feel like the biggest piece of crap. I felt weak, I felt like a deviant, I felt like I was damned for eternity. (I am happy to say that my mom and grandma do accept me and that their attitudes have changed.  I can be who I am around them without any problems or harsh feelings).

I also remember at this time, the important people in my life were trying to get me to talk about my sexuality. I remember my friend Bonnie trying to coax my sexuality out of me at one time. Telling me that she knew who I was and that I needed to accept it and talk about it. I wish I would have done that because that would have helped me so much.  I was being stubborn and I was still scared as hell, even though everyone saw the signs suggesting that I was gay.

The next step in the discovery of my sexual orientation was when I moved in with friends, or as I consider them as:  my brothers.  I thought that being around a bunch of straight guys would influence me enough to become straight (again, how naive of this confused 19-year-old). As reasonable as this logic sounds, I did not become straight.  This is when I began to become comfortable with my sexuality. I was finally coming to terms with it, even though I was not comfortable enough to come out of the closet yet.  At one time, my friend Travis, in his many attempts to try and get me to be more open and confident, tried to get me to come out of the closet. I remember him saying, "Come on, Feller, you're gay." I paused for a few moments and then meekly replied, "No, I'm not gay." His response:  "Yeah, whatever, Feller.”  Looking back at our many conversations, I wish I would have said yes, but I didn't.  However, situations like made me realize that everyone knew I was gay.  It was time to come out, but I was still scared. I told myself that these were my friends and they love me for who I am.  I knew they and that they would not judge me, but I still couldn't do it. I could not come out because fear took over my logical thought process.  Not coming out of the closet was beginning to eat at me and it was starting to hurt me in other areas because I was being guarded with what I would say and do.  And I certainly was not opening up. It was beginning to kill me inside. I was feeling worse and I was feeling more like a weak person.  I hated myself.  I would rationalize, and tell myself, that they already know who I am so why should I bother coming out?  In hind-sight, how stupid, yes they know who you are but it would have been weird just showing up one day with another guy by my side and making things a little uncomfortable by not officially coming out.

Eventually, enough was enough, and I finally made the decision to come out, slowly.  I dragged out the process quite a bit.  I came out to my two friends Matt and Ron. It was hard, but I did it. But nothing changed; we still had the same friendship as we always did.  Nothing changed because they always knew I was gay.  If anything, I grew as a person, because I was able to be fully honest about myself.  It was amazing because I felt so free.  Even though I had a positive experience with coming out to Ron and Matt, these were the only friends that I came out to for four years.

My friends and I went our separate ways in 2003.  My life continued.  A few people knew I that was gay, but I was still being stubborn about coming out. Again, I knew that my friends and family knew and I would be accepted, but I was still scared. I lived this way for four years. In the summer of 2007, with the help of my cousin, I was finally content with myself.  I fully admitted to myself that people knew I was gay and they didn't care and they loved me, no matter who I was. The next person I came out to was another cousin, his reaction: he laughed and said "Yeah, it's obvious and I knew." At that moment, I knew this would be easy and it felt great. I felt free. This began the quick transition out of the closet. I next came out to my good friend Sheri and she told me that it was awesome that I was gay.  She loved the fact that I was different.  She was happy for me and she just wanted me to enjoy my life.  I then came out to my brother-in-law Jay. Again, he knew.  He told me that he knew I was one horny guy but when they would check out other women in my presence, I wouldn't say anything and seemed uninterested. That seems like an obvious sign.  A sign, out of many, that people saw and accepted.  Then one by one, I came out to my family.  I also began to come out to my friends. I mostly came out to them through e-mail. It was still hard for me, that is why I did it through e-mail. I wish I would not have done it that way.  I wish I would have come out to them in a face-to-face setting.  But we all have to come out in the ways we are comfortable. One by one, their reactions were all the same; "Yeah I know. Duh! Let's move on." That long journey of discovery and coming out was finally over. I was 26-years-old when I came out. I struggled with it for years out of fear, only to find that my fears were all for not. I regret not coming out earlier, but it is a big and scary proposition.  Coming out was not as painful and as hard as I had feared. This is also why I never judge or try to hurry up someone with their coming out. It is a personal struggle where no one can tell them when they are ready.  It upsets me when someone outs another person without their consent.  I get extremely upset when the media does the same thing.  That person has to make that decision.  They should only do it when they are ready.  As you can see, that took me quite some time to do.

Next week:  I will discuss how my life experience as a gay man has helped me to accept everyone and their views, even if I completely disagree with them.

A Problem of Millennial Proportions

     Millennials (the generation of Americans that were born between 1977 and 1992) are lazy, spoiled, and they just want to have fun.  Millennials are living at home and sponging off their parents.  They need to get a job and move out of the house.  Does any of this rhetoric sound familiar?  It should, especially if you have been paying close attention to the news this past couple of weeks.  One of the reasons why the topic of Millennials has come into the spotlight is because of a woman named Rachel Canning, 18.  She is in the news because she is suing her parents.  She wants them to pay for her college tuition.

     People see these pathetic stories and declare that the younger generation is lost.  They are lost in their own self-absorbed behavior.  People, like this blogger, make grand proclamations about the Millennial Generation:

     ....extended adolescence is a very real epidemic in my generation (it’s a problem amongst the Boomers, too, but that’s a subject for a different post). I don’t need any study or statistic to tell me that; I see it with my own eyes every single day. It is a disease that afflicts many in my age group. 

     This blogger goes on to tell his readers that Millennials need to get jobs.  They need to stop playing with their toys and go out into the world and work hard.  Enough with the excuses, flip burgers if you have to!

     What is dangerous about this type of thinking is that people believe these over-generalizations.  These over-generalizations lead people to stereotype.   This does not solve any problems, in fact, it ignores the problem completely.  If it ignores the actual problem then how can anything be solved?

     10,000 people have shared this particular blog.  These shares have helped perpetrate what statistician Nate Silver has been saying:  People in the media are making proclamations without the data to back it up.  People use anecdotes, and treat them as fact (and gladly ignore the data to fit their own agenda).  This is harmful because the real underlying issue is being ignored.  Millennials, as a group, are not practicing “extended adolescence” and sitting in their parent’s basement because they do not want to work.  The statistics tell a different story:

     According to the Pew Research Center, 36% of Millennials (21.6 million people) were still living with their parents in 2012.  That is up from 18.5 million Millennials in 2007.  Just looking at these stats without any other information could make it sound like Millennials just want to live with Mom and Dad.  However, let’s put it into context.  In 2008, we had a major recession.  Millions of jobs were eliminated.  That means job opportunities have dried up.  The Bureau of Labor Statistics has reported that the jobless rate for people ages 25-34, that have a high school diploma, has risen from 4.3% in 2007 to 10.6% in 2013.

     So again, couple those job statistics with the report on Millennials still living at home and I guess I can see how people assume that they might be lazy and spoiled.  However, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that the percentage of people ages 22-27 who have a Bachelor’s Degree, but holds a job that does not require one, has risen from 34% in 2001 to 44% in 2012.

     Knowing these few different stats will lead us to a different conclusion then the highly flawed conclusions of people that believe Millennials need to toughen up and work.  Millennials are trying to work.  They are taking any job that they can find, even people with a college education.  The problem is that entry-level jobs with higher pay have been drying up.  Millennials are coming out school with a huge amount of student loan debt.  They can’t find higher-paying jobs so they are taking lower paying jobs and squeezing out people with just a high school diploma.  If people are making less and having difficulty finding higher paying jobs then the result of them living at home makes sense, doesn't it?

     Over-generalizing without looking at data can give you a different (and incorrect) story.  What we need to do as a society is to look for the real reasons why things are happening.  Only then can we develop real, fact-based solutions.  In this case, it isn't that Millennials are a lazy, spoiled bunch.  The problem is unemployment and underemployment that is plaguing this generation.  The solution has to be found in not only creating jobs, but creating higher paying jobs.  That is a solution that our inept Congress (Republicans and Democrats), along with President Obama, has not figured out.

     But we, as a nation, have to understand the “why” before we can solve our problems.  That, my friends, is one of the reasons why we struggle as a nation.  We spend more time fighting and arguing over red herrings than looking at the real reasons why our country is faltering.  We want easy solutions because we cannot stomach the truth.  We would rather blame that evil socialist, President Obama, or that evil unintelligent president, President Bush, or over-generalize and blame an entire generation for problems that are more complex than we realize.  We place the blame on these different people and different groups because it is easy to complain and point fingers.  It is hard to research and learn about our problems.  It makes it even harder when we discover that the solutions to our problems are just as complex.  It is not an easy process, but it is a process that must be done.  No more excuses!  It’s time to take charge, get serious, and look at the real problems facing our country, instead of covering up our problems with phony anecdotal evidence.  Truth is in the numbers.  And, that is exactly what our journey will encompass on this blog.

     One last point for all of you to chew on, and these are philosophical questions:  Is it really that bad that more and more people are living with family members?  I ask because some people believe that America has turned into a nanny-state where government provides its sheep with cradle-to-the-grave benefits.  Isn’t it better for people to live with family and help each other than live off the tax-payer?  I think those are some questions that should be answered.  But, that is for all of you to decide.

In the Beginning...

           Welcome to my blog! I hope you will find my writing informative, provocative, and something that will piss of conservatives, liberals, and every partisan in between.

           My philosophy on writing, critical thinking, and analysis can be described by the following excerpt by James Dickey in the March 17, 2014 edition of Time Magazine: "'Two-thirds of the op-ed columnists at America’s major newspapers are worthless,' Silver says. He hates punditry, he hates narratives, he hates bold proclamations."

           The Silver being referred to in this excerpt is respected statistician, Nate Silver. Nate Silver is known for his 100% correct prediction of the 2012 presidential elections. Nate Silver is a man who believes that opinion-oriented journalism belongs in the toilet. It’s not because he is against analysis, but it is because most bloggers, op-ed columnists, and pundits do not use fact-based arguments to put forth their view. They make “bold proclamations” without looking at data or the facts. They make absurd predictions that Rand Paul is the front-runner for the Republicans in the 2016 presidential elections. They make absurd proclamations that Republicans are bigots, Democrats are hateful, Millennials are lazy and they should get a job and move out of their parents’ house, people in poverty need to stop being poor, religion is nothing but brainwashing. I have seen all of these grand statements made in all forms of media. They have been made with either flawed, scant, or no data or facts at all. That needs to stop. Besides, I do not believe you can box up a category of people and make generalizations about them, especially without data or facts. This blog, which will be opinionated at times (my apologies to Mr. Silver), will try to buck the trend by analyzing politics and current events using data, facts, logic, and critical-thinking. I hope you are ready for some posts that will be controversial and provocative. It should be one hell of a ride.

           I also want to engage in some conversation, hopefully, some good, quality conversation. I will encourage my readers to debate my posts. If you have some sound data, facts, or information that you think I am missing or ignoring, I challenge each of you to submit your arguments. If you make a good argument, I will respond to your arguments in a post. I want to be engaged, but I also don’t want any of my readers to believe that I am the end –all authority when it comes to my analysis. The world is not black and white, and neither is my analysis. I want to grow, I want to hear other arguments, and I want to look at the other side because there are many valid arguments that could be made on an infinite number of topics. I want to grow with all of you, so please, do not be afraid to stand up and debate my position. Let's start our conversation and push the destructive, petty, partisan politics where it belongs: in the trash.